creation+destruction=BOND

I made my decision last night while playing Left 4 Dead with Chase. The only reason I was putting off making a decision is because I didn't want to hurt anybody and I was trying to figure out how I could do that and figure out a way to have everyone in my life be happy. But when your mental health is hanging in the balance, you have to make a decision that best suits your life.
I have two mentality's. One is: not hurting peoples feelings and the other is to be happy. When you are going through something in life that conflicts the two you really have a mind fuck. I'm seeing now days that I'm not very good handling situations like these. I'm really tender hearted. And sometimes I really hate that. I know that Nicole, now, will support my choice. She wont really like it because she really doesn't like Chase that much. But She would still support it. I hope. But the one person in this twisted mix is Kenny who I know will not support this and I could possibly loose the friendship with him over this. That's sad, but friendships can be replaced with others that are more understanding then disproving. Sometimes I find myself asking why and how I find such people who treat me the way they do. Chase isn't so bad. But Nicole and Kenny have this way of telling you how its going to be weather you like it or not. Kenny does it by guilting me into a situation that I really don't want to be in. Like the whole "seeing" each other thing. Then mentioning "Don't lead me to thinking that somethings there when there's not." That's all I've been thinking about lately is that one sentence. That one line. That guilt that I've done something so wrong that there is no way of redeeming myself. How should I get myself out of this situation? Is there a way out? And who do you talk to when there really isn't anybody you know that could be worth talking and telling? Should I cut Kenny completely off? Or should I just leave a quick message on his xbox live? Would that cause something worse? Or would this better me for the moment? I don't know. What should I do? I really don't feel it necessary to talk with my mother about this because I really don't want her to make me feel even worse then I already am. Everyday I think about this. Everyday I feel just a little worse. I'm trying to focus on positive things and situations. But everyday those questions come back to mind and I end up dwelling on things I really don't want.
You know, I want to be a bird and fly away sometimes. When you are a bird you are free to fly far away from life's conflicting times and perch on a tree and see the world and its beautie. Why can't humans be that way. Why can't we be more positive and look forward to the good and beautie in life and what it has to offer. Life is like a buisness deal. You can eather get the good deal or the bad part of the deal. And a lot of people seem to choose to let the bad deal get to them and instead of fighting for the good deal they are lazy and dwell in the bad. Sometimes it doesn't make since to me. But on the other hand sometimes it does. And sometimes I do wonder if i'm one of those lazy people in life...
Well this is where my entry ends. I have to check on my laundry.

Margo

Lately, my emotions have been getting the best of me. First, I let my parents and Nicole get inside my head and then I decided to have a rebound.

Let me explain...
First, I was telling Nicole how good it felt to get another compliment from a guy. She said that I should leave Chase because I wasn't happy. I mean its true, i'm not happy But I could of still figured out how to work it out with Chase and be happy. My fault is that I listened to Nicole and I ended up breaking it off with Chase. I went through an emotional rollercoaster and a mental breakdown to where I couldn't think straight at all. I didn't know what to do. So I decided to call up kenny tell him that I would like for him to come visit because I missed him and I kinda needed his support. So he bought a ticket and flew all the way down here to Ashville. He arrived here on Friday night. while he was staying here we kissed and talked about what could of been and what we thought would be. But as the days went by, I started to realize how much I started to think of Chase and how I wanted him near more than anything. Once I started getting sick on Sunday, it hit hard becasue the one person that took care of me was Chase not kenny.

I feel like i've taken advantage of Chase. I don't give him credit for everything he has done. I want to work it out with the man that I've been with for 4 years. Kenny played the part of rebound. He thinks that him and I are something now. I'm scared and I really dont know how to get out of this situation without hurting someone. Chase is going to simply be hurt because I kissed another man. But kenny is going to be hurt by the realization of being a rebound and nothing more. He thinks that we are going to be together and thats not what I want.
I am the bad person here. All I want to do is crawl into a ball and die. But you might as well feel what your feeling and make up for it wrather than bunching it up into a ball and rolling it underneath the bed. Because sooner or later it will bite you on the ass.
I really want chase and I to work. But if he doesn't want it to work out after reading this post then I will completely understand.
I just hope he forgives me and opens his eyes to see just how much I do love him.