Its been a while since I've updated my journal. A lot has been going on and a lot of fighting between Chase and I. We slowly work it out as the days go by. Now that he has gone to work maybe we wont fight so much because we wont be around each others flaws 24/7.
Since its summer, its been incredibly hott. Chase, Aiden and myself had to stay with my mother for a while. We ended up staying with her for a total of two in a half weeks. I couldn't take it anymore. I cant stay with my mother that long without losing my mind. I ended up coming home and cleaning my house as good as I could and we all came back home and we are trying to deal with the heat. Its not been to bad since we came back home. Before we left for my mothers, our house was extremely hot that you couldn't take off enough clothes to get cooled off. Even being naked wasn't comfortable.
I'm confused right now. My current job(once my camera is fixed) is landscape photography. I plan on selling my photo's on eBay and some Art Gallery's. Because in 4 to 5 years I plan on buying a house and paying for my son to go to college. To live a comfortable life has always been a dream of mine. I want this for my family. But as of right now, in order for me to save the money to do this we have to be on welfare for that time. Chase is wanting to move to Raleigh NC. Honestly I have nothing against that at all. I talked to the HUD there and they said that if we have a transferable voucher(or however you spell it) Then we would have HUD in Raleigh NC. She told me to call my agency and speak with them about it. I did and they said that they had a previous client that tried for a year to move there and Raleigh would never let her in their systems. Or how the lady said over the phone (absorb) She said unless they have changed. But we'll talk more about it when the time comes. I don't know. It just seems like everytime Chase and I come up with something to better our lives for us and Aiden. It never works because of the stupid government. Hopefully this will work out. We really want this. But I just don't know. It almost seems practical and way over the complicated meter.
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
Monday, 1 June 2009
Short But Sweet<3
Its been a while since I've last updated. A lot has happened. I'm not so sure that I can remember it all right now, But I'll try.
I just read over how I explained about the whole Kenny situation. Well during that time, during a time where I needed to think about everything and figure out what I wanted. I never wrote anything about Nicole. Nicole wanted to be my roomie. Ever since we made that choice It was (get rid of Chase. He is bad for you! Think of everything that he's done.) What she was doing was 10 times worse than what anybody has ever tried to do to me in my whole life. She walked in, took my job, talked shit about to my parents, had them mad at me and tried to break up my family. Once I lost my job and my family was upset with me. I came home wanting to kill myself and in tears because everything around me was falling apart. I mean imagine someone coming in and taking everything you worked for. the relationship with your family and parents, plus my job. She even went far enough to tell my mother this: I don't know why you haired her in the first place. I clean way better than she did.
What the fuck, She must be stupid to even think about telling my mother that and my mother not saying anything to me. Thats my mother and no matter how pissed off she is at me. She is still going to tell me. But once Chase calmed me down and we talked about it. I thought to myself and told Chase and one of these days my parents are going to see how she really is. Karma is going to bite her in the ass hard. And a couple months later karma did catch up to her. She got fired and my mother hired me back. She told me everything that was going on. During the firing period, whenever Nicole would show up late, my mother would have me come over and start work. Once Nicole would get there she would get upset and try and start a fight saying that it was her job and to stop cleaning. I just looked at her, to her face and told her to stop telling me what to do and not to talk to me that way anymore. I honestly don't think she knew what to do with me at that point. She just walked away called my mother and started bitching her out over this whole situation then left.
Now Nicole is gone. She's going to do what she always does and vanish off the planet for 6 months to a year. Then come back and fuck up your life again. I'm not friends with her anymore. After everything she's done to me and my family, I could care less what happens to her at this point. I wish I never met her. I'm waiting for the day she comes knocking on my door wanting to be friends and apologizing. Shes a manipulating, self absorbed, selfish bitch and I never want anything to do with her again.
I just read over how I explained about the whole Kenny situation. Well during that time, during a time where I needed to think about everything and figure out what I wanted. I never wrote anything about Nicole. Nicole wanted to be my roomie. Ever since we made that choice It was (get rid of Chase. He is bad for you! Think of everything that he's done.) What she was doing was 10 times worse than what anybody has ever tried to do to me in my whole life. She walked in, took my job, talked shit about to my parents, had them mad at me and tried to break up my family. Once I lost my job and my family was upset with me. I came home wanting to kill myself and in tears because everything around me was falling apart. I mean imagine someone coming in and taking everything you worked for. the relationship with your family and parents, plus my job. She even went far enough to tell my mother this: I don't know why you haired her in the first place. I clean way better than she did.
What the fuck, She must be stupid to even think about telling my mother that and my mother not saying anything to me. Thats my mother and no matter how pissed off she is at me. She is still going to tell me. But once Chase calmed me down and we talked about it. I thought to myself and told Chase and one of these days my parents are going to see how she really is. Karma is going to bite her in the ass hard. And a couple months later karma did catch up to her. She got fired and my mother hired me back. She told me everything that was going on. During the firing period, whenever Nicole would show up late, my mother would have me come over and start work. Once Nicole would get there she would get upset and try and start a fight saying that it was her job and to stop cleaning. I just looked at her, to her face and told her to stop telling me what to do and not to talk to me that way anymore. I honestly don't think she knew what to do with me at that point. She just walked away called my mother and started bitching her out over this whole situation then left.
Now Nicole is gone. She's going to do what she always does and vanish off the planet for 6 months to a year. Then come back and fuck up your life again. I'm not friends with her anymore. After everything she's done to me and my family, I could care less what happens to her at this point. I wish I never met her. I'm waiting for the day she comes knocking on my door wanting to be friends and apologizing. Shes a manipulating, self absorbed, selfish bitch and I never want anything to do with her again.
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
Forgive and Forget
I didn't really explain what my decision was in the previous post. I choose family over being with somebody, who to me wants a wife to give him a child, cook his meals etc. In the last 2 previous post I simply explained that I wanted to work things out with Chase. We've talked about this and came to the conclusion that simply talking and letting each other know how we feel if or when we are not happy is better than being irrational.
I know that I have probably lost the friendship with Kenny. But like I said "Friendship can be replaced with more understanding people than disproving." Kenny and I really don't have that much in common to be in a romantic relationship. The only real thing we have in common are the war movies in our collection. I disprove of Hunting as a sport and for fun. I don't like Germany, I don't like how he collects guns. Also, its unattractive that he chews tobacco. There were good and bad quality about Kenny. But that's all in the past now. Chase has forgiven and I've forgotten about Kenny.
As of right now, Chase has done well with himself. Now its just me that i'm worried about. I've been in a strange mood lately. But i'm really working hard to be happy. I have pets all over the internet now. Their names are Ethan(Monkey) Sam(frog) Fredrick and Zoe(dogs) Liz and Victoria Palmer(cats) and last, My Baby Dragon. They keep me happy, but not as much as my son does. Today we played outside for most of the day. But before playing I dressed him in a white onesie and blue jean overalls. But he got bit by a bug on the side of his head. So I gave him a little Tylenol for the sniffles as well as the bug bite. Hopefully that bug bite will go away by tomorrow.
Well, I have to go clean my room.
I know that I have probably lost the friendship with Kenny. But like I said "Friendship can be replaced with more understanding people than disproving." Kenny and I really don't have that much in common to be in a romantic relationship. The only real thing we have in common are the war movies in our collection. I disprove of Hunting as a sport and for fun. I don't like Germany, I don't like how he collects guns. Also, its unattractive that he chews tobacco. There were good and bad quality about Kenny. But that's all in the past now. Chase has forgiven and I've forgotten about Kenny.
As of right now, Chase has done well with himself. Now its just me that i'm worried about. I've been in a strange mood lately. But i'm really working hard to be happy. I have pets all over the internet now. Their names are Ethan(Monkey) Sam(frog) Fredrick and Zoe(dogs) Liz and Victoria Palmer(cats) and last, My Baby Dragon. They keep me happy, but not as much as my son does. Today we played outside for most of the day. But before playing I dressed him in a white onesie and blue jean overalls. But he got bit by a bug on the side of his head. So I gave him a little Tylenol for the sniffles as well as the bug bite. Hopefully that bug bite will go away by tomorrow.
Well, I have to go clean my room.
Thursday, 19 February 2009
creation+destruction=BOND
I made my decision last night while playing Left 4 Dead with Chase. The only reason I was putting off making a decision is because I didn't want to hurt anybody and I was trying to figure out how I could do that and figure out a way to have everyone in my life be happy. But when your mental health is hanging in the balance, you have to make a decision that best suits your life.
I have two mentality's. One is: not hurting peoples feelings and the other is to be happy. When you are going through something in life that conflicts the two you really have a mind fuck. I'm seeing now days that I'm not very good handling situations like these. I'm really tender hearted. And sometimes I really hate that. I know that Nicole, now, will support my choice. She wont really like it because she really doesn't like Chase that much. But She would still support it. I hope. But the one person in this twisted mix is Kenny who I know will not support this and I could possibly loose the friendship with him over this. That's sad, but friendships can be replaced with others that are more understanding then disproving. Sometimes I find myself asking why and how I find such people who treat me the way they do. Chase isn't so bad. But Nicole and Kenny have this way of telling you how its going to be weather you like it or not. Kenny does it by guilting me into a situation that I really don't want to be in. Like the whole "seeing" each other thing. Then mentioning "Don't lead me to thinking that somethings there when there's not." That's all I've been thinking about lately is that one sentence. That one line. That guilt that I've done something so wrong that there is no way of redeeming myself. How should I get myself out of this situation? Is there a way out? And who do you talk to when there really isn't anybody you know that could be worth talking and telling? Should I cut Kenny completely off? Or should I just leave a quick message on his xbox live? Would that cause something worse? Or would this better me for the moment? I don't know. What should I do? I really don't feel it necessary to talk with my mother about this because I really don't want her to make me feel even worse then I already am. Everyday I think about this. Everyday I feel just a little worse. I'm trying to focus on positive things and situations. But everyday those questions come back to mind and I end up dwelling on things I really don't want.
You know, I want to be a bird and fly away sometimes. When you are a bird you are free to fly far away from life's conflicting times and perch on a tree and see the world and its beautie. Why can't humans be that way. Why can't we be more positive and look forward to the good and beautie in life and what it has to offer. Life is like a buisness deal. You can eather get the good deal or the bad part of the deal. And a lot of people seem to choose to let the bad deal get to them and instead of fighting for the good deal they are lazy and dwell in the bad. Sometimes it doesn't make since to me. But on the other hand sometimes it does. And sometimes I do wonder if i'm one of those lazy people in life...
Well this is where my entry ends. I have to check on my laundry.
I have two mentality's. One is: not hurting peoples feelings and the other is to be happy. When you are going through something in life that conflicts the two you really have a mind fuck. I'm seeing now days that I'm not very good handling situations like these. I'm really tender hearted. And sometimes I really hate that. I know that Nicole, now, will support my choice. She wont really like it because she really doesn't like Chase that much. But She would still support it. I hope. But the one person in this twisted mix is Kenny who I know will not support this and I could possibly loose the friendship with him over this. That's sad, but friendships can be replaced with others that are more understanding then disproving. Sometimes I find myself asking why and how I find such people who treat me the way they do. Chase isn't so bad. But Nicole and Kenny have this way of telling you how its going to be weather you like it or not. Kenny does it by guilting me into a situation that I really don't want to be in. Like the whole "seeing" each other thing. Then mentioning "Don't lead me to thinking that somethings there when there's not." That's all I've been thinking about lately is that one sentence. That one line. That guilt that I've done something so wrong that there is no way of redeeming myself. How should I get myself out of this situation? Is there a way out? And who do you talk to when there really isn't anybody you know that could be worth talking and telling? Should I cut Kenny completely off? Or should I just leave a quick message on his xbox live? Would that cause something worse? Or would this better me for the moment? I don't know. What should I do? I really don't feel it necessary to talk with my mother about this because I really don't want her to make me feel even worse then I already am. Everyday I think about this. Everyday I feel just a little worse. I'm trying to focus on positive things and situations. But everyday those questions come back to mind and I end up dwelling on things I really don't want.
You know, I want to be a bird and fly away sometimes. When you are a bird you are free to fly far away from life's conflicting times and perch on a tree and see the world and its beautie. Why can't humans be that way. Why can't we be more positive and look forward to the good and beautie in life and what it has to offer. Life is like a buisness deal. You can eather get the good deal or the bad part of the deal. And a lot of people seem to choose to let the bad deal get to them and instead of fighting for the good deal they are lazy and dwell in the bad. Sometimes it doesn't make since to me. But on the other hand sometimes it does. And sometimes I do wonder if i'm one of those lazy people in life...
Well this is where my entry ends. I have to check on my laundry.
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
Margo
Lately, my emotions have been getting the best of me. First, I let my parents and Nicole get inside my head and then I decided to have a rebound.
Let me explain...
First, I was telling Nicole how good it felt to get another compliment from a guy. She said that I should leave Chase because I wasn't happy. I mean its true, i'm not happy But I could of still figured out how to work it out with Chase and be happy. My fault is that I listened to Nicole and I ended up breaking it off with Chase. I went through an emotional rollercoaster and a mental breakdown to where I couldn't think straight at all. I didn't know what to do. So I decided to call up kenny tell him that I would like for him to come visit because I missed him and I kinda needed his support. So he bought a ticket and flew all the way down here to Ashville. He arrived here on Friday night. while he was staying here we kissed and talked about what could of been and what we thought would be. But as the days went by, I started to realize how much I started to think of Chase and how I wanted him near more than anything. Once I started getting sick on Sunday, it hit hard becasue the one person that took care of me was Chase not kenny.
I feel like i've taken advantage of Chase. I don't give him credit for everything he has done. I want to work it out with the man that I've been with for 4 years. Kenny played the part of rebound. He thinks that him and I are something now. I'm scared and I really dont know how to get out of this situation without hurting someone. Chase is going to simply be hurt because I kissed another man. But kenny is going to be hurt by the realization of being a rebound and nothing more. He thinks that we are going to be together and thats not what I want.
I am the bad person here. All I want to do is crawl into a ball and die. But you might as well feel what your feeling and make up for it wrather than bunching it up into a ball and rolling it underneath the bed. Because sooner or later it will bite you on the ass.
I really want chase and I to work. But if he doesn't want it to work out after reading this post then I will completely understand.
I just hope he forgives me and opens his eyes to see just how much I do love him.
Let me explain...
First, I was telling Nicole how good it felt to get another compliment from a guy. She said that I should leave Chase because I wasn't happy. I mean its true, i'm not happy But I could of still figured out how to work it out with Chase and be happy. My fault is that I listened to Nicole and I ended up breaking it off with Chase. I went through an emotional rollercoaster and a mental breakdown to where I couldn't think straight at all. I didn't know what to do. So I decided to call up kenny tell him that I would like for him to come visit because I missed him and I kinda needed his support. So he bought a ticket and flew all the way down here to Ashville. He arrived here on Friday night. while he was staying here we kissed and talked about what could of been and what we thought would be. But as the days went by, I started to realize how much I started to think of Chase and how I wanted him near more than anything. Once I started getting sick on Sunday, it hit hard becasue the one person that took care of me was Chase not kenny.
I feel like i've taken advantage of Chase. I don't give him credit for everything he has done. I want to work it out with the man that I've been with for 4 years. Kenny played the part of rebound. He thinks that him and I are something now. I'm scared and I really dont know how to get out of this situation without hurting someone. Chase is going to simply be hurt because I kissed another man. But kenny is going to be hurt by the realization of being a rebound and nothing more. He thinks that we are going to be together and thats not what I want.
I am the bad person here. All I want to do is crawl into a ball and die. But you might as well feel what your feeling and make up for it wrather than bunching it up into a ball and rolling it underneath the bed. Because sooner or later it will bite you on the ass.
I really want chase and I to work. But if he doesn't want it to work out after reading this post then I will completely understand.
I just hope he forgives me and opens his eyes to see just how much I do love him.
Friday, 12 December 2008
Darkroom
I told my sister that I wanted to go to school for photography when she was here for thanksgiving. So she said that she was going to get me a book about photography and send it to me. She did that and I started to read it last night.
Last night I was staying over at my mothers because I had 6 loads of laundry to do and it would take me all night. Plus I wanted them to see and spend some time with Aiden before we leave for the holidays. Well this morning, Aiden ended up waking up at 5 in the morning because my adopted brother Bean decided that he wanted to try and wake everyone up this morning. I blew that off because my mom was getting on to him about doing that. Then at about 6 or 7 in the morning Aiden and I just drift back to sleep and DD my adopted sister decided that she wanted to band open the door with her walker. That pissed me off because I got up once to try and get her away from the door. But once I tried to close the door again she just kept running into it with her damn walker. So I pushed her back out of frustration. It wasn't hard at all. But Papa and Mom where pissed about it and mom was like "Don't do that, that is why I almost killed your father." And just because she said that to me, I packed my shit and left. That was the second time my son got woke up. And besides the fact that I was being compared to my father. I didn't appreciate that. Aiden and I were so tiered once we got home. That he ended up going to bed and I slept till 2 in the afternoon.
I would type more. But my hands are starting to hurt a little. Plus I have to read some books tonight. I was going to start on choke.
Goodnight.
Last night I was staying over at my mothers because I had 6 loads of laundry to do and it would take me all night. Plus I wanted them to see and spend some time with Aiden before we leave for the holidays. Well this morning, Aiden ended up waking up at 5 in the morning because my adopted brother Bean decided that he wanted to try and wake everyone up this morning. I blew that off because my mom was getting on to him about doing that. Then at about 6 or 7 in the morning Aiden and I just drift back to sleep and DD my adopted sister decided that she wanted to band open the door with her walker. That pissed me off because I got up once to try and get her away from the door. But once I tried to close the door again she just kept running into it with her damn walker. So I pushed her back out of frustration. It wasn't hard at all. But Papa and Mom where pissed about it and mom was like "Don't do that, that is why I almost killed your father." And just because she said that to me, I packed my shit and left. That was the second time my son got woke up. And besides the fact that I was being compared to my father. I didn't appreciate that. Aiden and I were so tiered once we got home. That he ended up going to bed and I slept till 2 in the afternoon.
I would type more. But my hands are starting to hurt a little. Plus I have to read some books tonight. I was going to start on choke.
Goodnight.
Wednesday, 3 December 2008
A picture a day keeps the interest...
To explain what the title of this post means is that I made another blog just for pictures. Since i'm so interested in Photography, I thought 'why not make a blog dedicated to my artistic experiences mixed with good original experiences at home' So that is what its called 'A picture a day keeps interest.'
However, I started a book today called 1984. Its pretty good. Kinda hard to keep up with sometimes. But its good. I only read half of the section that I wanted to finish tonight. I ended up getting to tiered to finish the section. So I just read 54 pages and tomorrow I have to read 50 more to finish the section. Altogether, that section is 104 pages long and I started reading at six and just got done reading 54 pages. But the only reason it took me that long was because Chase and I would take breaks and have good conversations about religion and what not. I found our conversation tonight to be really interesting. It was the first conversation that we've had that didn't include arguing. This post probably wont be long at all. Since i'm really tiered and my typing is horrible at the moment. All I really want to do is take a shower (which I might have to take tomorrow, since its late) take some nyquil and watch a little bit of t.v. till I fall asleep. Tomorrow I have to go to my mothers and work, figure out when exactly i'm getting paid because I really need to start saving up some money to get Aiden what he needs for Christmas. Plus I really want to start up on my survey job. So I can start getting other things that Chase and I really want and need. So that we can have a good Christmas as well as Aiden. No matter what, Aiden will have a really good Christmas. He is getting lots of things that he needs from Chases side of the family. So i'm really excited about that. I hope that whatever he gets is something like clothes and toys, teddy bears and maybe some teething toys as well. I don't know, i'm just rambling on right now because i'm tiered.
But I think Chase wants on the computer now. So I might just wash my hands, put some sanitizer on, take nyquil and head off to bed.
However, I started a book today called 1984. Its pretty good. Kinda hard to keep up with sometimes. But its good. I only read half of the section that I wanted to finish tonight. I ended up getting to tiered to finish the section. So I just read 54 pages and tomorrow I have to read 50 more to finish the section. Altogether, that section is 104 pages long and I started reading at six and just got done reading 54 pages. But the only reason it took me that long was because Chase and I would take breaks and have good conversations about religion and what not. I found our conversation tonight to be really interesting. It was the first conversation that we've had that didn't include arguing. This post probably wont be long at all. Since i'm really tiered and my typing is horrible at the moment. All I really want to do is take a shower (which I might have to take tomorrow, since its late) take some nyquil and watch a little bit of t.v. till I fall asleep. Tomorrow I have to go to my mothers and work, figure out when exactly i'm getting paid because I really need to start saving up some money to get Aiden what he needs for Christmas. Plus I really want to start up on my survey job. So I can start getting other things that Chase and I really want and need. So that we can have a good Christmas as well as Aiden. No matter what, Aiden will have a really good Christmas. He is getting lots of things that he needs from Chases side of the family. So i'm really excited about that. I hope that whatever he gets is something like clothes and toys, teddy bears and maybe some teething toys as well. I don't know, i'm just rambling on right now because i'm tiered.
But I think Chase wants on the computer now. So I might just wash my hands, put some sanitizer on, take nyquil and head off to bed.
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